I have never felt the holidays were something to be upset about. Especially Christmas – this was always my holiday!

However, I’m engaged this Christmas! And that part of my life could not be happier and more exciting. It’s the rest of the drama it brings with my personal life that could not be more annoying on MY holiday.

This will be the second Christmas I have spent with his family; the third I have not gone home to be with my alcoholic mother. As an added bonus to the maddness’ crazy head, a month ago I cashed in what little retirement I had to overnight it so that she would not be evicted. Now, aside from money not growing on trees, I’m a grad student, who found out before Thanksgiving that between two alcoholic disappearances from her and several strokes from my alcoholic father, my graduation will be delayed. And my funding runs out in May. To continue, each semester will cost exactly the amount I had to send to her apartment complex.

Last night I received a bogus email from mom telling me to have no regrets. This is the same email that estranged her from my sister years ago. I realize my response telling her to get help was probably wrong and fruitless, but every time I enlist her few friends for an intervention they don’t back me up. Who is supposed to keep trying to tell her she needs help then?

My alcoholic sister has been lying to me about her address for years. I know where she lives now, but I am not interested or looking forward to a battle to get her real address from her to send a wedding invitation.

So aside from the mom drama, what keeps me up at night is who to invite to the wedding. The friends I’ve talked to say just invite everyone; those with an excuse won’t come. But if they all do, it won’t be a pretty picture. I’m the one that asked dad to quit coming to birthday parties when we were little because he was so obnoxious to everyone inventing stories about my mom. But at the same time, during Thanksgiving meet-the-fiance introductions, it was dad and sister who showed up to dinner, no questions asked. Mom had to finally be told to be at an earlier lunch or I’m sorry we missed you and even then a friend had to final guilt trip her into showing up!

I keep trying to tell myself to make it through the holidays and then I can talk to other family about this. That this is not family holiday conversation. It’s just so maddening to live in a world where everyone makes up their own version-S of the truth. And also why I want a cash bar at the wedding so they can pay for their own substance abuse lol. I know the day won’t be perfect, but so far, it could be. I just can’t decide where I draw the line between damage control and letting people do as they will anyway.

Anywho, after a dispute about decorations and the decision to not have a tree this year, my fiance surprised me with a homecoming of the tree and stockings being put up! So for now, I’ll sit in front of my YouTube fire and hope the next few days go quickly. Merry Christmas everyone!